1. Plant a container garden.
Oh, yes, I am an expert. This is the first year I have ever attempted to grow anything. The closest I ever came before was trying to keep a cactus alive when I was a kid and got one from a teacher at school who went on vacation and that's what she brought back for all her students. I failed (at keeping the cactus alive, not in school). But for some reason I had the hair-brained idea that I could keep a garden alive. On a little tiny balcony of a little tiny apartment in the middle of town. In water-proofed boxes. In the Midwest in April.
2. Worry about the weather all the time.
Because, you know, when you live in the Midwest, MAY 2 AND 3RD can get down to 34 degrees (F) at night!!! (For the record, this is the first time in close to 70 years it has gotten that cold in May where I live.) So AGAIN I had to move my container garden into my apartment.
3. Think about investing in a full-size scarecrow.
Because when you bring your container garden inside to escape frostbite, the cat gets good ideas like, "That container full of dirt and green stuff looks like it would be fun to walk around in!" And then she acts like she doesn't understand what the words, "No!" and, "Get down!!!" mean. Faker.
4. Let Nature Take Its Course.
Don't give up until the last plant dies!! I may only end up with one Brussels sprout at the end of all this, but if I do, I will claim to have successfully raised a garden!!!! (And I'll probably even post a picture. You're welcome.)