Refractions and Reflections

When I do not sin, I feel self-righteous. When I do sin, I feel dirty and cheap. I wonder where the line is between trusting in God's grace and riding the proverbial fence to see how much one can "get away with". I wonder at what a great responsibility it is to teach others in matters regarding their souls. I wonder that so many people's "revelations" conflict with each other...and at how superficial we tend to be who think we have such revelation. I wonder that EVERYTHING in life is a rat race. I want to live outside the grid.

I am in a very strange place right now, emotionally speaking. It seems I am at the end of some processes, in the middle of others, and just beginning yet others. I have a lot going on in my day-to-day life right now; concrete here-and-now things that need taking care of. But as I go about my tasks, I am doing a lot of thinking. Let's do a typical Melodic jump and start with things I am in the middle of. I am in the middle of finishing this past semester of seminary. I have been late in finishing the last two or three semesters, and this time I have two courses finished and two yet to complete. I have until June 20th. I think I might make it, but I will really have to focus. I think part of my hesitation in finishing has been that I have been unsure of what to work toward as a goal. (Finishing would be good, eh?) I have struggled with a lot of self-doubt...fearing that I cannot effectively accomplish anything ministerially...or that I am unworthy to do so. Many times in the last ye...

I'm reading Brennan Manning's book The Ragamuffin Gospel right now for one of my classes. On page 80 he tells the story of a meeting he held in Louisiana, after which a man he didn't know handed him an envelope, which he later discovered held a $6,000-check. He decided to send the check to a man he had met the week before, who had 10 children, three of whom had already died because of the poverty they experienced subsisting off the garbage of the town trash heap in Juarez, Mexico. Manning related this to the first beatitude ("Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven") and wrote: "He wrote me nine letters in two days - letters overflowing with gratitude and describing in detail how he was using the money to help his own family and other neighbors at the dump. That gave me a beautiful insight into what a poor man is like. When he receives a gift he first experiences, then expresses, genuine gratitude. Having nothing, he appreciates...

The subject of this post is somewhat connected to the last...but from a different perspective. A couple of years ago I took a counseling class on "Addictive Behaviors in Family Systems." In it, I learned that many counselors believe that their job is not usually to take an "all or nothing" approach with those who come to them for help in overcoming an addiction (such as alcoholism). In fact, the client chooses for him-/herself what his/her goal will be...whether he/she wants to quit the behavior altogether, or just limit it in some way (how often, how much, etc.). The counselor, then, assists the client in reaching this goal. How do I relate this concept to pastoral ministry? The correlation to pastoral counseling, especially in the area of addictions, seems obvious. But is it? Is it the pastor's duty to urge everyone to perfection immediately, or should some people be steered closer to Christ in incremental "stages"? (I've heard the idea that if...

I'm reading a book for one of my classes right now...it's called Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership , by Gary McIntosh and Samuel Rima. It is definitely one of the best books I have ever read. I'm finishing up chapter 17 right now, which discusses the Scriptural description of grace that frees us from the expectations of others. One of the Scripture passages discussed in this chapter is one that I have been looking at quite frequently lately, and I have felt like there is something there that I'm just not getting. After reading this chapter...I get it!! (The passage is Colossians 2:16-23.) As Christians, we believe that the God we believe in has revealed Himself personally in Jesus Christ. If we really believe this, then we must view our relationship with God in light of what Jesus taught about Him. And Jesus taught that in Him we have freedom to live in right relationship with God without worrying so much about unbearable expectations and legalistic demands that ...

I went out to Shoal Creek for a little while this afternoon, and I was the only one there! It was so peaceful...there was a backdrop of rich fall colors and a cool breeze! I love the constant, heavy sound the water makes as it dives over the rocks. As I sat there on the rocks (enjoying my Americano from Starbucks!), I couldn't help but think about worship. I've been in a "poetic" mood the last couple of days, and I was composing a poem in my head. My intention was not to share it with anyone; I was simply inspired to worship God in a creative way as I beheld His majestic scene before me. It reminded me of David. I wonder how many times he sat under a tree, looking out at his grazing sheep, and composed songs for his God, the thought never crossing his mind that anyone else would ever be privy to his intimate words of worship. He didn't write them in order to make a living. He didn't even write them with the hope that others could identify and worship along wit...

Since August of 2002 I have been a full-time college student. I graduated with my bachelor's degree in May of 2007, but spent the next year completing the work for my internship and a couple final classes before enrolling in a graduate program in August of two-thousand-eight. While I was a student I ALWAYS had a job, and in fact, usually had more than one (for a few weeks in 2005 I actually had 5 jobs at one time!). I had no problem working full-time and being a full-time student. Until a couple of years ago. It culminated in me quitting my full-time editing job, which I loved and had worked at for 4 years, in April 2009. I thought it would help me focus better on the education I was beginning to neglect. Last fall, while unemployed, I returned to my graduate studies...while dealing with several major family issues...and by the end of the semester, I had not completed a single one of my courses. I got 3 incompletes. (I finally finished them this summer.) So basically, I have been u...