Thinking About Where I'm At

I am in a very strange place right now, emotionally speaking. It seems I am at the end of some processes, in the middle of others, and just beginning yet others. I have a lot going on in my day-to-day life right now; concrete here-and-now things that need taking care of. But as I go about my tasks, I am doing a lot of thinking.

Let's do a typical Melodic jump and start with things I am in the middle of. I am in the middle of finishing this past semester of seminary. I have been late in finishing the last two or three semesters, and this time I have two courses finished and two yet to complete. I have until June 20th. I think I might make it, but I will really have to focus. I think part of my hesitation in finishing has been that I have been unsure of what to work toward as a goal. (Finishing would be good, eh?) I have struggled with a lot of self-doubt...fearing that I cannot effectively accomplish anything ministerially...or that I am unworthy to do so. Many times in the last year or two, I have reconsidered my entire vocation. Last fall I actually enrolled at a different school, in an entirely different major, and fully intended to change the direction of my life. But God had other plans and for some reason I continued on the path I had already begun. So now I am finishing up another late semester, and it has been so inconvenient to have this task looming over me so far into the summer. But I think what I am learning is how to stay in the process. Even when it seems I might fail (or even that I already have), I am learning to press through. After all, life does not end when we encounter failure and/or obstacles. We have to keep going and somehow get past it.

I have been on a cleaning frenzy lately, too. To others, it may look like my progress is epicly slow, but I think there are some major emotional connotations to what I have been doing. I am so close to having everything I own both clean and organized. For the first time in my life, everything will have a place. My personal space will not be cluttered, and everything in it will be fully inventoried. Clutter does not bother me too much, but at times my disorganization has been astounding. I have finally gone through all the boxes I've dragged along, unopened, from my past. Things that have always sat in the back of the room, and I knew they were there but never looked at them. I have made a decision to sweep out the corners and the cobwebs of who I am. I am not going to be afraid to open those boxes anymore...and pretty soon, there won't be any boxes left to fear. My "avoidance" issues are coming to an end.

Hopefully by the end of the summer, I am on the verge of some new beginnings as well. One is that I plan to move to Springfield (an hour away, where I go to school). That idea has never sat with me well until now; I believe I am ready. And even excited! I have been contemplating my plans after seminary, and I do have some ideas. They are unique (would you expect anything less?) and seem sure to be difficult...but I am intrigued.

When I first set out to pursue God's adventure for my life, I felt like He spoke this promise to me: "And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as much in return and will inherit eternal life" (Matthew 19:29). Today I have been remembering the "hundred times as much" God has given me. Someday I want to be used by Him to bless other young people like so many have blessed me. I have been well taken-care-of!!


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